What lies am I telling myself?
Don’t worry. You don’t have to take action...
Yet.
Just get as still as possible and then love yourself enough to ask this REAL, RAW, and RIDICULOUSLY OBVIOUS question:
What lies am I telling myself?
Eeeeeek. I know.
I’ll tell ya what - grief is a bridge for this.
A former student of mine sent this little meme/quote and it just hits:
“Sometimes, grief is a friend you wish you didn’t know but that you have to spend time with because LOVE brought them along to the party.
And the party was worth it.”
- Nanea Hoffman
When the time comes and you are done with pretending because deep down you know you don’t need more talk therapy, or more time apart to think about it, or another CBD gummy; that’s when it’s time to sit still and ask yourself what lies am I choosing to believe?
I’m sharing this because I’ve been there.
Multiple times.
I know my default reasons which are typically one of two; either I’m comfortable and coasting or just avoiding the unknown hard work of my potential highest good.
…Do you recognize how much power there is in surrendering into the truth of who you are and what you need to grieve?
Last week while driving and crying, which is a common occurrence these days … (highly do NOT recommend this … but the pain was soul devouring and I don’t choose the time or place anymore) it occurred to me I was lying to myself.
I don’t like liars and it’s incredibly jarring to uncover you’ve been lying to yourself.
On this particularly depressing drive the nausea was similar to when I made peace with the definitive choice to get out of my marriage. All I wanted was to be through it. I knew it was going to be an uphill battle and I just wanted to be on the other side … in the lush green valley, on the water, in a floaty, chillin’ and so proud of myself for having made it …
This theme seems to be going around.
I have a couple close friends who are also in the thick of it. When I’m speaking with them, I recognize the ache in their voice of just wanting to be on the other side. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that - I think it’s natural, necessary, and healthy that you can project an outcome or resolution where you’re happy.
What does that take?
Welp, besides eating a few sh*t sandwiches, numerous tearful breakdowns, and basic perseverance; it takes raw honesty and faith.
I tried to dance it out…
I just wound up crying. Here’s some proof. LOL
Let’s go there a second. I’ll be the guinea pig.
I can’t control that Matt has passed away. I can’t bring him back and get back to what was IMO, a really great life chapter. I may be lacking in his presence, friendship, love, support, financial coupling, and co-parenting skills but I’m not empty in those facets either. Maybe I obsess about what I’ve lost and how it’s out of my control and how this negatively impacts our future. Maybe I obsess over what I’ve lost and how it’s out of my control and how this negatively impacts my present because the void is real.
OR maybe, I spend a little time every day recognizing that I had no control in the first place. That I was FILLED TO THE BRIM with his time, friendship, love, support, financial assistance, and awesome parenting skills for 8 years when both my son and I needed him desperately. I have a future that is cushioned by the groundwork he laid for us and God is good.
Control.
Lack.
Past or Future obsessing.
These 3 factors have literally been polishing your mind whether you were conscious or unconscious of them prior to finishing this sentence.
As I was processing all of these ridiculous stories this past week I stumbled (or was I targeted by Big Tech) onto this epic reel by Sabastian Enges and I love-love-LOVE it.
It was 90 seconds of perspective that tied my hours of ‘car crying’ and ‘dramatic dancing’ up in a bow.
If you are stuck, can you sit with your lack of control and let it be…?
If you are stuck, can you focus intently and with appreciation on what is working…?
If you are stuck, can you be here now? Right here. With your breath, with the breeze, with the birds chirping or the ambient sounds in the background…?
If you can answer yes to these questions, you’ve managed to be in truth.
You are not lying to yourself.
That’s freaking awesome.
One day at a time, one less lie.
You’ve got this.
OKAYILOVEYOUBYEEE,
xx
Nic.
ps. Classes this week are below:
* Tuesday (today) QUICKIE YOGA 12-12:30pm pst. $10. This is a well rounded, accessible yoga flow paired with music that includes mobility work and a 5 minute savasana. It’s meant to be a community offering at $10 a class and if you need financial assistance, just reach out. Hope to see you soon. Sign up here.
* Saturday FULL BODY STRENGTH 7:30-8am pst. $20. This is part of my November Fit program but open for anyone to drop in. The group energy is excellent and we begin with CARs, strength train and sweat it out with friends. Bring a glute loop/resistance band, lighter and heavier weights. Sign up here.
* Saturday AVIATOR NATION YOGA FLOW 9-10am, 10:15-11:15am. I’M BACK TO MY FULL WEEKEND IN PERSON SCHEDULE. Thank you for your patience.
In person, in Santa Monica. Come on out. Sign up here.
* Sunday AVIATOR NATION YOGA FLOW. 10:45-11:45am. In person, in Santa Monica. Come on out. Sign up here.
pps. November Fit is still open for drop ins. You can learn more here or pop in per class if that suits you. Strength training with a focus on mobility, FUN, and healthy habit stacking. All levels welcome.
ppps. Kinstretch is still on hold. MEH. Having a rough time getting back to it and needing to rework my schedule as I’m no longer going to host this on Sunday mornings. Thank you as usual for your patience.
pppps. This short song helped me. Maybe it can help you too.
ppppps. Screw that. Here is a PLAYLIST I made for you that may help you stop lying to yourself. The lyrics are gold. If you can’t handle T.D. Jakes, just skip track 8. ((hehe))