Ten Toes Down
Okay maybe nine.
Saturday morning I was teaching my full body class, living my best life, full of inspiration but lacking proper sleep from a life “being lived”.
I was mid ridiculous story when I tripped over a 25 lb. dumbbell, heard a pop, and just kept going.
I was like oh wow - that hurt.
10 minutes later I look down while doing a seated rear delt exercise and saw my second toe going SIDEWAYS.
Ummm, it’s as disturbing as you’d imagine.
Turns out I cleanly broke that little buddy diagonally across.
My first broken bone, too.
There goes my 47 year streak … and I thought the 63 weeks of writing a Substack email was impressive. Gaaahhhh….
The most interesting thing I’ve noticed in my three days of hobbling around is how much I already miss dancing. We had just gotten the gang back together doing a once-a-week dance class, and it was starting to light me up in ways I didn’t expect. As I reflect on these feelings, now that I won’t be dancing for a few weeks, I can say with 100% certainty that the catharsis is real.
As if I didn’t already believe my own branding.
As if I haven’t lived enough of the ‘metabolize your emotion’ lifestyle.
As if I needed another reminder.
When you’re forced to feel something with no place and no outlet for it to be released, you find yourself stuck. It gets dark in there. It reminds me of 2005 when I ruptured those four discs in my spine and was on bed rest for a month. That’s the darkest mental state I had been in to date, and it was as confronting as anything I’d known.
I’m not comparing my janky toe to a severe spinal injury but the emotional lesson of ‘nowhere to go’ is real. Uncomfortable to say the least.
In the time that Matt has been gone, I’ve had moments of overwhelming emotion that requires me to move. Whether it’s grief, excitement, or another emotion that boils to the very surface of your skin - it’s the realization that whatever is going on inside must be released. I’m sure there’s plenty of ways to experience this, but for me, movement has always been the gift that keeps on giving ... Not to mention the incredible mood-boosting benefits, along with the aesthetics, the internal health, and so much more.
I’m not so worried about my toe.
I’m going to continue to train all around it. I’m very grateful it’s not worse and that it is just my second toe and not my big toe. Of course, my OnlyFans foot account is now in jeopardy ... Baahahaha actually don’t get me started on that. It’s not OnlyFans, thank God, but apparently my feet are all over the internet.
To each their own, but also I just threw up a little.
This will be a great opportunity for me to pivot, for me to slow down, to receive help, to ask for help. The dancing isn’t going anywhere, but my inability to dance also highlights that I’ve been making a great choice. Showing up to dance class when you’re technically retired does a number on your ego at first, but what I’ve recognized in the last few classes is that I’m still very much alive.
The take-home prize is a version of me that I really, really like.
As the kids say, I’m going to keep “standing on business.” I’m proud of myself for returning to dance, here and there.
I’m grateful for this little break in my routine, no pun intended.
Until I’m fully ten toes down again, nine will do.
OKAYILOVEYOUBYEEE,
xx
Nic.
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Get excited … and let me know what you think:
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