Statistically Absurd, Emotionally Violent.

I don’t even know how to write this without it sounding made up.

But in the last two years, I’ve lost four men I loved.

The only 4 people I loved in any true, heart achingly romantic fashion are gone.

My partner of eight years Matt.
My son’s father Leland.
My first love Nicky B.
And now… my high school/college boyfriend Nick C.

There is no one left walking this earth who has loved me in those chapters of my life. And to be clear, this is coming from my perspective. I’m not even touching on the NUMEROUS friends and family that lost their relationships with these men.

((Here’s a song that encompasses my state))

Everyone I’ve ever been in love with … is gone.

Read that again.

Because I had to.

There’s a specific kind of grief that comes with that.
It’s not just missing them.

It’s realizing entire versions of you only existed in relationship to them.

This is the kicker because self reflection and nostalgic examination are uncomfortable on a good day but this shit is next level.

And now…
there’s no one left who remembers that version of you in real time.

The jokes.
The dynamics.
The girl you were becoming.
The way you used to be seen.

The fumbles. The growth. The actual love.

Gone.

And for a second—
if I’m being honest—
it made me question myself and everything else.

Am I the common denominator?
Is there something wrong with me?
How is this even possible?

After deeper consideration, it occurred to me…

This isn’t about fault. Because if it’s my fault, then at least it’s explainable.

That’s my brain trying to create control where there isn’t any.

That ain’t it, though.

This is about love.

I don’t know statistically what the odds are of this but it feels like a soul-level attack and emotionally violent, at that. I guess the pro is that I was fortunate to know these men during specific chapters and share a piece of their lives with them. Love is subjective given your experience, your wounds (healed or wide open) and your willingness to be seen. I guess as far as that goes - I showed up.

At least, I have lived a life big enough, open enough, brave enough to have loved deeply more than once.

Some people don’t get that.

Some people don’t let themselves.

There’s no judgement in those statements only the recognition that each one of these souls changed me.

When you love deeply…
you are effectively signing a contract with grief.

Not someday.

Eventually.

Y’all - I don’t have a clean bow to tie on this. I wish I did.

Loss is ridiculously lonely.

I’m learning that I’m not just the person who lost them; I am the one who lived those lives.

I was there for that and I will memorialize full chapters of these men in my heart for as long as I’m here.

Those iterations of Nicole have consolidated.

In how I show up.
In what I tolerate.
In what I know is possible.
In how deeply I can feel.

So no—
there’s no one left who remembers that version of me.

Except me.

And because I have today, that is good enough for now.

OKAYILOVEYOUBYEEE,
xx

Nic

Ps. I think I’m gonna add songs to each email that give a feeling to my thoughts. I write all of these emails with different music each week. Might as well share w you.

Pps. * Tuesday QUICKIE YOGA. 12-12:30pm pst. $10. A well rounded music based mobility focused yoga flow. This was created as a community class and if you ever need financial assistance to attend - please just reach out or use code NEWFRIEND to try a class for free. Sign up here.

* Saturday AVIATOR NATION YOGA FLOW 9-10am, 10:15-11:15am. In person, in Santa Monica. Come on out. Sign up here.

* Sunday AVIATOR NATION YOGA FLOW 10:45-11:45am. In person, in Santa Monica. Come on out. Sign up here.

Ppps. ALERT: WE MOVED THE DATE FOR SWEAT, STILLNESS, & F.E.E.L: A Day Retreat by Nicole Sciacca and The Unfiltered Life, co. in Torrance, CA.

JOIN US ON THURSDAY MAY 14TH for a one day retreat is on its way.

Please check out this beautiful landing page and get excited!!

This is for you if you feel disconnected from your body, want to return to a state of peace and clarity within, share in community with likeminded women, enjoy a curated healthy lunch, meditate, dance and FEEL ALIVE - stay tuned. This is going to be a very special day.

Pppps. NEW EPISODE OF SHOCK AND Y’ALL IS OUT NOW. I’m speaking with myself. Woop Woop. I’m speaking about the “finality prayer” kinda a wild topic given this email and the turn of events lately. I made a Tik Tok in regards to this and it went a little viral. I think it’s a powerful and beautiful albeit dangerous feeling prayer that really and truly works.

Get excited … and let me know what you think:

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Oh wait. You’re still here … God bless you. I’m so forever grateful for your encouragement, listening, downloads, shares and feedback. Could you take a second to REVIEW MY SHOW? We have 102 five star reviews and that blows me away. Do I know 102 people? Regardless, if you’ve left a review THANK YOU SO MUCH and if you’d rather fork out your own eyeballs than leave a review, I respect that too. Click here if it feels good.