Pop Quiz: parenting.
Take the quiz today and find out what kind of parent you are. LOL
I just had a flashback to Seventeen magazine where the most urgent topic on the cover had something to do with “Take this Quiz; GET THE ANSWERS”. Who doesn’t love some arbitrary, circular thought type answers from a teen glossy that was written as filler but captivated the young minds of its impressionable readers. It’s incredible how you can learn so much and so little all in one article. Aaaahhh, the 90s were fun.
Enter adulthood.
If you’ve bravely taken up the responsibility of parenting pets, children, nieces/nephews, students or even aging elders; then you can relate to the absolute circus that ensues when faced with a triggering ‘care-giving’ moment. In my dear friend Sarah Ezrin’s new book THE YOGA OF PARENTING she elaborates on setting limits with love. It seems there are 4 categories that most parenting styles fall into. Ezrin explains “you can think of it in quadrants based on a parent’s level of support and level of demand.” Take a look through the following and reflect on what type of home your were raised in and what type of home you’re creating today…
1) Authoritarian parents
Demand/support: High demand, minimal emotional support. General description: A lot of rules with very little or perhaps even no connection. Outcome on children: Studies show children of authoritarian parents may appear well-behaved at first, but over time tend to become more rebellious and show higher levels of aggression.
2) Permissive parents
Demand/support: Low demand, high support. General description: Permissive parents may connect well with their children, but they often have little to no rules. This can look like little limit-setting and high enmeshment. Outcome on children: These children may tend to have higher self esteem and fairly good social skills, these kids tend to have poor impulse control and limited ability to self-regulate, which researchers have found can lead to poor decision-making as they get older.
3) Uninvolved parents
Demand/support: Low demand, low support. General description: These parents offer food, clothing, and shelter and that’s it (many times those things aren’t even offered). There is limited interaction between the parent and child and very few, if any rules. Outcome on children: These children are believed to be highly resilient and self-sufficient, as they have had to raise themselves in a lot of ways. But they also tend to have significant challenges in personal relationships and limited emotional regulation.
4) Authoritative (Empathetic) parents
Demand/support: High demand, high support. General description: This style is the sweet spot that many parenting experts suggest we aim for. Parents and children are close, and the parents communicate well and nurture their children, but they are also stern when it comes to limit-setting and clear about what is acceptable and what is unacceptable. Outcome on children: Children raised in this style tend to have good impulse control, high self-esteem, high levels of academic performance, and great social skills. Because there is a quality of independence, these children acquire the resiliency and self-sufficiency that children in uninvolved homes obtain, but their skills are born from absorbing they parent’s support versus as a survival mechanism.
The above was taken directly from chapter 6 in Sarah’s book. I highly recommend grabbing a preordered copy if you’re a yoga lover/caregiver looking to deepen your understanding of a practice in ethical parenting and living your yoga off the mat.
As I navigate mothering a 10 year old boy in Los Angeles with a co parenting set up that promises a weekly roller coaster ride of surprises and conversations that often happen ‘before I’m ready’ (are we ever really ready?), I appreciate a breakdown like the one in chapter 6 because it reminds me that the tough work, the consistency, the sacrificing for the big picture, are absolutely necessary.
You don’t need to be a parent of a child to know this. You were a child. You had parents or caregivers that did the best they could with what they had.
OMG - Another flashback.
Years ago I was in a Groundlings comedy show called Teen Witch. It was this hilarious, musical version of the 80s film and it was one of my favorite gigs of all time. We performed it annually for years. I shared the stage with folks like SNL’s Taran Killam, Stephanie Courtney from Progressive Insurance, Edi Patterson from Knives Out, Tom Lenk, Jordan Black, Amy Procacci, Colleen Smith and so many more…One of the lines from popular girl Kiki (played by the legend, Patty Wortham pictured below) as she was being dragged off stage was “…Remember my choices!!”
I always loved that line.
When Beau gets outta the car for school drop off I often scream “Make good choices!!”
He tolerates it.
Reaction turned choice.
Much of our life’s experiences are the result of a reaction turned choice. It’s the governing of our OWN reactions and the choice(s) that follow that are paving the road and setting the tone. People say pets acquire qualities of their owners (this is very worrisome and eye-opening for me bc Moose is an absolute space cadet) and children are products of their environment (fingers crossed my human child survives and thrives more valiantly than Moose, the labradoodle).
Altering generational trauma and unintentional habits acquired in our youth is an exhausting responsibility many of us have courageously accepted…by choice or by default.
What’s cool is that you’re entirely capable of this role. You really are.
With or without a script, you can pause, breathe, choose and act for a moment by moment reset. I’m learning on the job and I screw it up regularly however I’m nothing if not committed. My goal is to be a badass, boundary setting parent that my son will want to be friends with 15 years from now. Since you can’t fully prepare for the POP QUIZ of Life, you might as well give yourself grace, stay the course and hope for the best.
OKAYILOVEYOUBYEEE,
xx
Nic.
ps. Classes this week:
* Tuesday (today) QUICKIE YOGA 12-12:30pm pst. $10. All levels yoga...this is a feel good, mobility based sesh…you might sweat a little but overall it’s just a great break in the day. This class has always been $10 as it began as a community class. If you need financial assistance with any of my classes, just ask - we'll make it work. Sign up here.
* Saturday FULL BODY STRENGTH 7:30-8am pst. $20. This is DAY ONE of my JUNE FIT program but open for anyone to drop in. The group energy is excellent and we begin with CARs, strength train and sweat it out with friends. Bring a glute loop/resistance band, lighter and heavier weights. Sign up here.
* Saturday AVIATOR NATION YOGA FLOW 9-10am, 10:15-11:15am.
In person, in Santa Monica. Come on out. Sign up here.
* Sunday KINSTRETCH 9-10am pst. $20. This is a 60 minute joint specific training that acts as the flossing of your joints, the veggies of all healthy movement. We do the CARS routine, strength train different joints each week, and end with breathwork. Sign up here.
* Sunday AVIATOR NATION YOGA FLOW. 10:45-11:45am. In person, in Santa Monica. Come on out. Sign up here.
pps. JUNE FIT BEGINS THIS FRIDAY…Well technically we start sweating on Saturday. My monthly strength training group has changed my life: Big Words, I know. The consistency, the challenge, the accountability, the overall FEEL GOOD REWARD of this program has made me happier and healthier than ever.
I want you to join - only if you’re cool, though. Haha. It’s 3 days of strength, one day of yoga each week for all of June. All classes begin and end with CARS and are modifiable for all levels. Take class live with us or do them all on demand. You have all classes for 60 days and considering I’ll be in Mexico and South Africa for most of July…this is a real good time to get in. Learn more here. Let’s goooo.
ppps. Save the date for Saturday, JUNE 10th approximately 3:30-5:30pm at Leylie boutique in Brentwood for my first ever in person book signing. We are working to create a collaborative event with a wonderful child therapist and speaker. More to come my friends. I appreciate you. Buy YOLKED on Amazon or Barnes & Noble today!!