If you're competing, you're not creating.
I keep asking myself: When will this be over?
The linear answer is never.
The more heartfelt answer is … it’s a marathon girl.
Prior to Matt passing, I was pretty selective with socializing. Primarily because I loved being with Matt and we had a world, a life of our own. Now that he’s gone when I get asked to attend something nine out of 10 times my gut tells me to just go … This is almost the antithesis of Nicole Sciacca as I’ve known her.
Instinctually, I understand the importance of creating new connections and engaging in new environments …
If I get a strong guttural feeling that I just can’t do it then obviously I don’t go.
If I’m just trying to talk myself out of it, like a middle of the week work out or a tedious chore on my to do list, I’ve been pushing myself to show up anyway.
This weekend I was invited to an event in Malibu around destigmatizing mental health in the public sphere and how to manage your own mental health on social media. Initially, I had no idea how I got invited and when I asked to bring a friend along, they said it was at capacity.
Right out of the gate … Two reasons not to go. HAH!
So what did I do?
I drove my disgruntled sourpuss face straight there … (bitchin’ the whole way)
Because-never forget-I’m a yoga teacher and I’m evolved.
The guests on the panel were experienced, well-informed, and absolutely of interest to me. That was the deciding factor.
Was this an opportunity to learn? Yes. I love learning!
I had nothing standing in my way, other than my own bad attitude and ego around showing up alone.
I’m so glad I went.
The thing about grief and losing your partner is that the way you perceive yourself shifts. It has to. You’re no longer part of an equation. There’s not a coupled rhythm to your daily life or even your existence as you’ve grown to understand it.
It’s all new.
Or old …
As I was standing in this beautiful, serene Malibu location, the witness in my head observed the way I was showing up.
I was much less guarded … much less ‘on’ … I was more like a sponge.
Absorbing the beauty of the palm trees and lush grass, the incredible live music, quietly observing the people interacting with each other …
I was creating myself.
I witnessed this.
Prior to Matt’s passing, I would’ve been competing with myself ... subconsciously of course.
Maybe you compete with yourself, with others in your industry, other moms/dads in the neighborhood.
Maybe you create FOR yourself.
Compete or create.
You cannot do both. At least not at once …
There’s a low key tug of war going on in my mind. The old Nicole vs. the new Nicole. Let me be clear, neither are superior but one is incredibly familiar. I know her pitfalls, her hurdles, her secret sauce and the other … well, she is unfolding in real time. She is unpredicatable. She is creating herself hour by hour, conversation by conversation. She is ABOUT TO BE SO FLIPPIN’ AWESOME I CAN NOT WAAAAAAIT TO MEET HER BECAUSE QUITE HONESTLY THE WORK AHEAD OF HER TO OVERCOME THIS SADNESS, MEET BASELINE, AND THEN EXCEED WHERE SHE WAS, IS A FULL TIME JOB.
Why all caps you ask because this is my newsletter and I do what I want …
Also, I really mean it … I can’t wait to meet her.
She is in there y’all. She is fired up and softer, all at once.
I know at some point, if it hasn’t happened yet, you will be asked
to e x p a n d.
It will be a battle. Nobody said it has to be ugly but it will be uncomfortable.
I remember in my early 20s having just moved to LA and so desperately wanting to know and be accepted by the best dancers in town. There was an intimate party at this very successful and talented dancer/choreographer’s apartment. I arrived with 2 of my friends who were more connected and in my opinion WAY more talented than me.
(In my mind, more talented equated to social acceptance and power.)
They both walked through the front door ahead of me where the host kissed their cheeks and then when he got to me he leaned forward and immediately pulled back and said “oh yeah, sorry no - who are you.”
I. Was. Mortified.
I stumbled “I’m Nicole” and sheepishly walked in.
Never, ever will I forget the way I felt in that moment. For the rest of the night I was not in my body. I literally remember the carpet, the placement of furniture, other dancers that were there. All night I was trying to figure out how to emulate the qualities of these cool kids so that I would be accepted next time. The funny thing about this is that great dancers are revered for having their own style. It’s the defining quality in dance. You gotta blend in and manage to stand out. (No wonder we’re crazy!)
((*I’m the leprechaun in the marshmallow hat. None of the dancers pictured above were there that night. However, this job came about 6 months after that party. This photo is loaded with legends. Still one of my fav jobs of all time. ))
That night it was clear, I had yet to create myself and what I was doing was imitating, searching, and competing for my place which was absurd because MY PLACE was there all along.
She was unfolding.
She is still unfolding.
This isn’t over.
It’s a marathon, you know…
No one asked but if I had to choose, I’d rather create than compete.
OKAYILOVEYOUBYEEE,
xx
Nic.
ps. Classes this week:
* Tuesday (today) QUICKIE YOGA 12-12:30pm pst. $10. This is a well rounded, accessible yoga flow paired with music that includes mobility work and a 5 minute savasana. It’s meant to be a community offering at $10 a class and if you need financial assistance, just reach out. Hope to see you soon. Sign up here.
* Saturday AVIATOR NATION YOGA FLOW 9-10am, 10:15-11:15am.
In person, in Santa Monica. Come on out. Sign up here.
* Sunday AVIATOR NATION YOGA FLOW. 10:45-11:45am. In person, in Santa Monica. Come on out. Sign up here.
Pps. DECEMBER FIT IS OPEN FOR REGISTRATION! DECEMBER FIT is 12/7 - 12/30 and if you’re in need of some personal time and a way to maintain sanity as we close out 2023, this is for you. What's better than a 30 day opportunity to build muscle mass, stack the habit of showing up 4 days a week, meeting awesome people and keeping the hard stuff under 35 minutes? I can't think of much!!
This program is made to be digestible and accessible above all else. If you consider how quickly 35 minutes goes by and just how much we can accomplish in that time, you know it's a sweet deal. Every class begins and ends with CARS. We have cardio dance breaks in each strength session and all the classes go up ON DEMAND if you can't make it live.
This is a perfect "fill your own cup" sort of commitment and I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU! I mean it. We have an optional, but awesome, Instagram chat group where we connect, check in and vent! The feedback I hear the most is that it shifts your mood, gives you more energy and helps you feel stronger in small but profound ways.