GAP YEAR, Month, Day, Hour

don't close the gap ... yet.

One of the top 5 reasons I love working out is because inevitably I will have the PERFECT download from source, from silence, from self examination, from struggle, and in this instance, directly from Sarah Jane.

I was in my friend Sarah Jane’s cycle class on Friday. I made the call on a whim and did a ‘for trade’ playdate with a friend so I could attend class even though the kids were out of school. Mama’s gotta sweat, yaaaaa hearrrrrrd!

Sarah Jane was teaching a bad ass class per usual - she is a seasoned and knowledgable instructor so no surprise there.

We were 3/4 of the way through when she threw out some line about being arrested in Heathrow and then living with her folks and needing a “gap year”.

I was like wait WHAT HAPPENED IN HEATHROW AND WHOAAAA - what’s a GAP YEAR?

This throw away line was the Scooby snack of the week for me.

She didn’t elaborate on her arrest so that’s unfinished business (if you’re reading this Sarah Jane-we need answers) but the idea of a ‘gap year’ hit me right in the gut. I experienced ‘gap months’ following Matt’s passing because I was forced into a holding pattern of confusion and devastation. Over and over I’ve tried to alchemize what’s happened and, as you’ve likely seen, there have been significant transformations. I’m thankful for those shifts.

There were days where I’d be waking up to an entirely different version of myself. Raw and ready to crumble. Conversely, some days I’d wake up feeling super charged by his spirit. I’ve spoken about this observation of feeling super charged numerous times but there is no other way to describe it. Without the ‘gap time’ to reflect on my process, I’d be living in a tailspin.

As of today, Saturday 2/17, it’s been 5 months that Matt’s been gone.

The longer I go without him the more I question reality as a whole.

I have had a strange relationship with time ever since. Nearly every night I lay my head on the pillow, stare at the dim light coming from the window and think, “oh look we’re here again”. Another full day has passed and he’s still gone. Time is still passing and part of me wants to see him again so badly that I can’t WAIT to go to sleep where he may perhaps visit me in my dreams. The other half of me is struggling to understand why I’m wishing time away when I fully know better.

I don’t want to miss a moment of this life. It’s going by shockingly fast and painfully slow yet I couldn’t be more grateful…

As Mark Nepo writes in The Book of Awakening*:

*thanks to Mary Beth La Rue for this recommendation…

“Yet beneath all the talk of tragedy and grace, I have come to believe that we are destined to be opened by the living of our days, and whether we like it or not, whether we choose to participate or not, we will in time, every one of us, wear the deeper part of who we are as a new skin.”

This book can be read like a daily devotional.

The above passage is from February 17th in the book.

That’s today.

What a perfectly timed download that hits so close to home.

The same way Sarah Jane’s words ‘gap year’ landed for me in spin class.

Needing a gap year, month, day, hour is the personal triage for how to proceed after a life altering blow. Sometimes this massive change is giving birth, or surviving illness, or caretaking and then ushering loved ones from this life.

When events blindside us in unthinkable ways, your ‘gap year, month, day or hour’ is warranted. It’s necessary.

The most unnerving thing about taking time to feel it all is that you speak with death in a hushed tone as if not to poke the bear and yet ‘the death’ becomes the gateway. It’s the offering that reminds you this life is for breathing, dancing, laughing, loving, doing new things, exploring, forgiving and for trying on the deeper part of who we are as a new (wiser) skin.

In a mind blowing episode of Living Myth*, the wise Michael Meade says:

*recommended to me by Sharon Land

“…death is not simply the end of life but it is also in the middle of life and it is in the middle of all the confusion and the chaos that the capacity to truly change or transform BECOMES possible. Unless we can recollect and reconnect to the psychological and spiritual sense of the life/death/rebirth mystery we will fail to understand the times in which we live and we will find ourselves overwhelmed by the flood of changes and the rising tide of misinformation and outright falsity.”

The invitation can be ignored.

The invitation can be accepted.

The invitation remains.

The gap is simply where we refine who and what we are now.

Will you take your gap year, …or month, …or day, …or hour?

I hope so.

OKAYILOVEYOUBYEEE,

xx

Nic.

ps. CLASSES THIS WEEK:

* Tuesday QUICKIE YOGA (today) 12-12:30pm pst. $10. This is a well rounded, accessible yoga flow paired with music that includes mobility work and a 5 minute savasana. It’s meant to be a community offering at $10 a class and if you need financial assistance, just reach out. Hope to see you soon. Sign up here.

* Saturday FULL BODY STRENGTH 7:15-8am pst. $20. This is the last class of the February Fit program but open to anyone. We begin with CARS, strength train lower and upper body, enjoy 2 dance breaks, and then end with a 5 minute guided meditation. It’s all levels and the weekend energy is always a delight.  Sign up here.

* Saturday AVIATOR NATION YOGA FLOW 9-10am, 10:15-11:15am. In person, in Santa Monica. Come on out. Sign up here.

* Sunday AVIATOR NATION YOGA FLOW. 10:45-11:45am. In person, in Santa Monica. Come on out. Sign up here.

pps. EPISODE 9 OF SHOCK AND YALL IS OUT NOW. Today I’m speaking with the legend, the icon, my east coast online bestie LISA HAYIM. Holy roller coaster do we go for it in this episode. From Mexico, to social media, to mothering, to fascia, and of course to the metaphysical…we tackle it all. She is brilliant and always impresses me with her incredible grace and nuance. So excited for you to hear this one. Please share, like, comment, download and review. Or pick one but get excited because it’s good!

ppps. MARCH FIT 2024 is just around the corner. This is my 30 day, 13 class monthly strength training group for ladies. February has been awesome and as we move into spring I’m so looking forward to planting seeds for the warmer days ahead. What you commit to now, you will reap in a few months and let me tell you, that FEELS GOOD.

We do CARS in each class, strength train upper, lower, and full body as well as incorporate a mobility yoga flow each week. All classes go up on demand if you can’t make the live session. The women are FIRE CRACKERS OF SUPPORT. It’s just the best. I’ve never had this much fun working this hard. Learn more here…next round begins 3/1/24.

pppps. Would you kindly leave me a quick review on Apple? Spotify requires my Pod to be up and running for 2 years before it allows reviews…so in the mean time, you could speak your mind here.