Consciously sad and inspired.
...no being left behind...
I had another glorious birthday this past weekend. I was celebrated and showered with kind words and deeds and surprise flowers and gifts. It was beautiful. If you were any part of this via DMs, texts, calls, gifts or what have you - please accept my sincere gratitude.
And while the day itself was lovely, a chunk of my internal real estate was just devastated.
Even more sad than I expected.
Wait, let’s be clear. The inter webs definition of sad: feeling or showing sorrow or unhappy; dejected.
Oof.
The duality of experiencing deep, formidable sadness and overwhelming joy and hope, simultaneously seems to reappear again and again in my grief journey.
It’s super annoying for two reasons.
One: I don’t enjoy being sad.
Two: It’s cliche.
Oh I get it … “you have to have this depth of sadness to truly recognize the power and magnitude of great love and joy.”
FINE and that’s just dumb.
Saturday night I was out for a delicious dinner with my sweet girlfriends and we were storytelling, laughing, and reveling in one another’s company. A few hours in, I excused myself to the bathroom. It was a single unisex room so I entered, closed and locked the door behind me, and wept. Like hard. No-end-in-sight weeping. It hit so fast and with such a gut punch there was no holding back. God bless - There is nothing more humbling than seeing a full face of make-up and a cute outfit reflected to you in the mirror while you’re crying like a damn baby.
I gave it a good 5 minutes, cleaned up my raccoon eyes and went back out there.
Reasoning with this grief is absurd. One minute you’re fine, making jokes, the next minute your annoyed that you have to do earth things like unload the dishwasher and floss when your best friend is transversing all of time and space, bodiless and full of christ consciousness.
There is also this dark cloud of “we weren’t finished”. I can’t believe how much Beau has changed in the nearly 5 months Matt has been gone. How has it been 5 months?
This is gonna take forever.
I’m integrating my sadness as I go but to say I’ve got a handle on it would be a lie. It’s like having a newborn - just as you get the process down, there’s a mad transition.
There’s cluster feedings or your first birthday alone.
There’s the 6-8 week sleep regression or the smell of him at an ATM.
It legit could take forever.
For as long as I’m alive, unloading dishwashers and flossing, I will be processing this.
Sometimes (like frequently) people tell me I’m inspiring. I’ve heard this so much that I recently looked up the definition to see what exactly folks are seeing in me. *Disclaimer* if you’ve said this to me, I appreciate the sentiment, I received it, and feel thankful for the sincerity with which you shared your truth.
The truth for me is … I’m confused.
The inter webs definition of inspiring: Something or someone that is exciting and makes you feel strongly interested and enthusiastic. Alright fine. That is not dumb. I can see where that might be the case on occasion because I know that girl.
I embody that most of the time, so I suppose the word ‘inspiring’ tracks.
From where I stand, I am simply DO-ing.
I’m doing what I feel called to create, say, write, and be. It’s a nonnegotiable with an internal force (Holy Spirit is that you? Matt is that you?) that feels more courageous and all knowing than anything that could be formulated up in this here noggin.
My decision to write about this, launch a podcast, show up the way I do is to weave a web of light conversationally through a topic Matt and I adored: Consciousness.
In the book Proof of Heaven, Dr. Eben Alexander a neuroscientist of 25+ years who was comatose for 7 days due to a rare illness, writes about his near death experience (NDE) in a way that takes your breath away. He explains YES, consciousness is real and more REAL than anything we can comprehend in the physical realm. Alexander writes:
“In the realm of the super-super-small, every object in the physical universes intimately connected with every other object. In fact, there are really no “objects” in the world at all, only vibrations of energy, and relationships. What that meant should have been obvious, though it wasn’t to many. It was impossible to pursue the core reality of the universe without using consciousness. Far from being an unimportant-by-product of physical processes (as I had thought before my NDE), consciousness is not only very real - it’s actually more real than the rest of physical existence, and most likely the basis of it all….Many scientists are trying to incorporate this ‘theory of everything’ that can combine the laws of quantum mechanics with those of relativity theory in a way that begins to incorporate consciousness… Atoms are made up of protons, electrons, and neutrons. These in turn are all particles. And particles are made up of…well quite frankly physicists don’t exactly know. But one thing we do know about particles that each one is connected to every other one in the universe. They are all, at the deepest level, interconnected.”
We are interconnected. That is what this healing journey continues to show me.
I happened to meet an extraordinary physicist a few weekends ago at the Laura Lynn Jackson (pictured below) event that took place in Burbank, CA.
Dr. Tiffeny Todd, Ph.D. chose me as her partner during a special pychometry break out group and we had a wonderful conversation. As I was leaving the event, gathering her info (bc we’re BFF now, duh, me and physicists are always teaming up like this), I found that she just debuted a documentary titled “Playing My Mind’s Symphony” all about her discoveries and research around the science of nonlocal consciousness.
The topics Matt and I love(d) are still weaseling their way into my field.
These occurrences give me motivation to keep going.
Of all the endeavors I’ve tried before and after Matt’s passing, there have been roadblocks in front of roadblocks and yet, I find a way to climb, dismantle, or even demolish them. In most cases, held together by the grace of friends and family, baptized through fire while crying of course.
Consciousness is everywhere, all the time.
You are tired and joyful.
You are worried and unlimited potential.
You are sad and inspired everywhere, all the time.
Consciousness is all inclusive like that.
No being left behind.
OKAYILOVEYOUBYEEE,
xx
Nic.
ps. CLASSES THIS WEEK:
* Tuesday QUICKIE YOGA (today) 12-12:30pm pst. $10. This is a well rounded, accessible yoga flow paired with music that includes mobility work and a 5 minute savasana. It’s meant to be a community offering at $10 a class and if you need financial assistance, just reach out. Hope to see you soon. Sign up here.
* Saturday FULL BODY STRENGTH 7:15-8am pst. $20. This is part of the February Fit program but open to anyone. We begin with CARS, strength train lower and upper body, enjoy 2 dance breaks, and then end with a 5 minute guided meditation. It’s all levels and the weekend energy is always a delight. Sign up here.
* Saturday AVIATOR NATION YOGA FLOW 9-10am, 10:15-11:15am. In person, in Santa Monica. Come on out. Sign up here.
* Sunday AVIATOR NATION YOGA FLOW. 10:45-11:45am. In person, in Santa Monica. Come on out. Sign up here.
pps. LISTEN TO TODAY’S (SOLO) PODCAST EPISODE 7 AND PLEASE DOWNLOAD, SUBSCRIBE, COMMENT, SHARE, REVIEW AND AS ALWAYS, I WANT TO HEAR WHAT YOU THINK!! We reached our goal of over 3000 downloads in two weeks and I am immensely grateful for your support and feedback. We are currently in the Top 5% of podcasts globally. That is because of YOU. Get excited - we have SO many fascinating guests coming up (including Laura Lynn Jackson and hopefully Dr. Tiffeny Todd, as well). I’m giddy on the inside.
ppps. Would you leave me a quick review on Apple, if you have a moment? Spotify requires my Pod to be up and running for 2 years before it allows reviews…so in the mean time, you could speak your mind here.
Listen on Apple:
Listen on Spotify: