Choosing Painful Magic.
Our spring break getaway was emotional because the Hawaiian islands are a special place. Matt and I have been many times. Matt has family there. His cousin Brooke (and now mine by proxy) along with her husband and kids made us feel so very welcome.
If you’ve stepped foot on Hawaii, you just get it. The essence of each island is different. Normally we’re on Oahu. This trip we were on the big island and on the Mauna Kea property. The energy there is peaceful, dense, and breathtaking.
As I was recapping some personal thoughts to my Elephant Parade text group … If you’re new around here, that’s my tight knit group of lady-loves Jaime McFaden, Samantha Joy, and Sharon Land. Each one has appeared on my podcast and brought loads of wisdom along with them. Sharon had responded to my offhanded comment about my “repetitive negative thoughts” with a 14 minute voice note that could have been a solo podcast or a Ted Talk or even a follow up edition to her book, The Healers Journey.
Without getting too personal, I was sharing a snippet of the way my mind projects negatively toward any possible future partnership. In this instance it was around the romanticization of me and Matt’s ‘amazing relationship’.
It was amazing but nothing’s perfect.
Sharon’s wisdom is unique unto itself, but what landed for me was my choice for ongoing suffering. Like it or not, suffering is a choice. Caroline Myss has a talk about the power of choice on YouTube that I cherish. She adheres to the ideal that you can’t separate emotional, psychic, physical, spiritual, and mental choices from one another. They are wildly and magnificantly intertwined.
My favorite line from Caroline’s talk (around minute 37) is …
“Every choice you make has an immediate consequence and it doesn’t matter that you can’t see it. That we can’t see it is of no consequence to the invisible world, either … On the positive side, every prayer you say has an immediate answer.
So each and every thought —> becomes an action —> becomes a choice and everything has a consequence?
That’s enough to put me in a tailspin for the rest of 2024.
Unfortunately, or fortunately - it makes sense.
I remember the first time I heard that anger was a choice.
It stopped me in my tracks.
Anger, or any ongoing emotion, is a feeling you have to keep choosing in order for it to continue. This is why I was stumped. My automatic negative thoughts (ANTs as they’re called) were not serving me. I know better than to continuously choose suffering.
Sharon‘s voice note brought to my attention my continuous choice to experience this mental anguish and gently reminded me - my body is the way to true healing. Meaning the repetitive thoughts are an obstacle. As Caroline explained there is no separation from the many working layers of self. Sharon was making the same comparison. My ANTs were becoming louder and more frequent the more I let myself settle into the feeling of sadness and loss. I KNOW this is temporary. I also know the only way out is THROUGH.
Time and time again my body has proven its capacity for growth and expansion but yo … my mind gets DARK, dark.
Perhaps you can relate…
The thing I’m noticing about grief is that it’s a revolving door. It’s not simply continued suffering by any means. It’s incredible gratitude, reverence, appreciation, and at its lowest it’s desperation, confusion, and love with no place to go.
It’s a painful sort of magic.
The wisest of us can alchemize it and the rest of us well, we’re working on it…
The level of communication I experience with Matt is hard to encapsulate in words. I also know when I try people will perceive this the best way they know how but not necessarily understand where I’m coming from. That’s not my business. My job is to share for my own healing and perhaps for yours too.
Every time I started spiraling out in Hawaii … I was met with an image in the clouds, a photo with an orb in it, other strange effects in photos, a time stamp, lyrics to a song playing that answered the immediate question I had asked in my head, a baby praying mantis landing on my hand, a field of butterflies, and my favorite … an actual owl.
It was magic.
Albeit painful.
I cried on every car ride that lasted over 10 minutes. Just witnessing the beauty of this place and knowing that Matt is now part of the fabric of this glorious earth experience overwhelms me with joy and simultaneously ignites pangs in my chest.
For better or for worse we tend to look to our past before we chart our way forward. We gauge our future outcomes on what we’ve known. This is another reason why stepping out of your comfort zone is vitally important.
I’m trying on this new look called ‘presence’ and it’s kinda a vibe.
In order for me to choose suffering, I must keep living in a past reality. Right now, this eternal moment is something exquisite.
Right now is pretty sweet.
Not to mention, it’s all there ever is.
I’m choosing it.
OKAYILOVEYOUBYEEE,
xx
Nic.
ps. Classes this week:
Tuesday QUICKIE YOGA (today). 12pm pst/3pm est. $10. This class will be a 30 minute feel good mobility based flow. It’s meant for all levels and ages. I created it as a community class and would love for you to join. Sign up here.
pps. APRIL FIT 2024. (4/5-4/27) This month, we’ll kick off with our meeting on Friday 4/5 at 9am PST / 12pm EST for about an hour and per usual it’s “SWEAT-FREE” however we will be doing a bit more “work in” than working out. We will be sharing quick intros, answering questions and participating in a visualization/meditation on future you . We will also be doing a little bit of homework that I’ll share in detail (different than last month’s assignment) on our call but please know this is a short and powerful ask that will absolutely help elevate you in whatever ways you’re willing to grow. Of course we’ll start our regular strength training the following day Saturday 4/6 with a full body class and if you can’t make these classes live, you’ll have them on demand for the month as always.
Here is the breakdown:
Every class begins and ends with CARS. We have cardio dance breaks in each strength training session and all the classes go up ON DEMAND if you can't make it live. My monthly programs are made to be digestible and accessible above all else.
If you consider how quickly 35 minutes goes by and just how much we can accomplish in that time, you know it's a sweet deal. Saturdays are 45 minutes so we have more time to train, to dance and to GET STILL. My body has changed drastically because of this consistent work and I couldn’t be more grateful. This is a perfect month for your to join. I feel it. Sign up here.
pps. EPISODE 15 OF SHOCK AND YALL IS OUT NOW. Today I’m speaking with the highly excitable, passionate straight shooter LAURA CONLEY. She is a life and weight loss coach and the creator of the YUMMY MUMMY EXPERIENCE … a highly curated program for folks to lose weight for the very last time. She has a special deal for my clients and community which will save you $500. Click here and use code: NICOLE9702. She’s so good she even offers a money back guarantee. Laura hosts the Yummy Mummy podcast that is such a treasure chest of valuable information around emotional eats, unconscious habits, and what it takes to truly love yourself. So excited for you to hear our conversation.
WAIT - you may have already heard but Laura and I are hosting a FREE collaborative workout/workshop on Sunday April 7th at 8am pst/11am est on my platform sweatandstillness.com. It will be a 45 min all levels full body workout followed by a 45 min chat about the 5 secrets to reaching your optimal weight once and for all. I am always impressed with the level of detail and nuance that Laura brings to this conversation. Please join us this Sunday for class and bring a friend. Oh, and share, like, comment, download and review the podcast. We share a lot of laughs that’s for sure.